I’m pretty sure dogs just want to be dogs, not Instagram props — First of all, I get it at Halloween time. It’s fun and usually hilarious to drop a sheet over your dog with some eye holes cut out. Or to put them in a dinosaur or Elvis costume. I also get it if you want your dog to sport a Santa…

Hint: It’s just as turdy as a chocolate nugget with crushed peanuts in it — Valentine’s Day just passed and you gave someone a box of chocolates, didn’t you? Admit it. You have the gift-giving creativity and thoughtfulness of a stump. I hate to be a party crasher but unless you included a jar of peanut butter and a spoon with the chocolate, your gifting…

It repels harder than stinky bug spray — Nothing grates on my nerves more than seeing a headline with the word “should” in it. Everything it implies is bossy and presumptuous, as if we don’t know what the shoulds of life are. People throw around the word should like we’re all just wandering, lost souls who don’t know…

And your resting bitch face catches you off guard — Sometimes I look in the mirror and really study the lines in my skin. Some are normal signs of life, some are complete nonsense. For example, the ridges on my forehead that are there even when I don’t raise my eyebrows. People raise their eyebrows when they’re shocked or surprised. …

Why most of us will never be mothers and fathers of invention — I’ll be the first to admit that I’m completely comfortable with letting genius ideas fall by the wayside while real inventors are out there changing the world. I have come up with a hundred and one inventions in my lifetime and yet, here I am…blogging. It’s because I’ve never had…

And you won’t find answers in the mirror — To some degree, we all have issues with aging. It sort of feels like our lifelong partner, the bathroom mirror, suddenly switches to a distorted fun house mirror, almost overnight. Obviously, we don’t see a twenty-five year old staring back at us when we’re fifty. I’m not sure if there’s…

Spoiler Alert: You have to die first — An old friend of mine just died. She and I parted ways in 2017 and hadn’t spoken since. But the news was still shocking. She was only 45. I was no longer connected to her anywhere on social media, therefore I probably never would have learned of her sudden death…

Nobody wants to see a pic of your banana on Facebook in the morning. — Of all the consumable luxuries in the world I bet coffee is the MOST important one. I mean, you wouldn’t even book a hotel room if it didn’t have a coffee maker in it, right? I wouldn’t. Even decadent chocolate can’t make that claim. Think about it. Nearly every hotel…

Because he can fuck up your life in a heartbeat — It’s weird how much trust we place in the makers of cooking gear, isn’t it? I mean, think about it. That scalding hot pot full of boiling water and pasta you have to move from the stove to the sink so you can drain the water. Or the pot of…