How to Slap Someone Through the Internet

Because you certainly don’t have the guts to do it in person

Kristi Keller
3 min readJun 8, 2022


Image courtesy of Pixabay

Each morning you sit down with a piping hot cup of coffee worthy of its own Nescafe commercial. You’re sitting in your favorite armchair with the dreamy view beside the window, preparing for your daily scroll.

Whether it be Facebook or a community-based writing platform such as this one, each time you open it up there’s potential to experience the internet slap.

And you’re not even out of pajamas yet.

The virtual slap is usually carried out by someone you know and probably even like which is why it feels ohhh so scandalous. They wouldn’t stoop that low, would they?

But the moment the slap makes contact with your face you’re plucked from your peaceful Nescafe commercial in the Swiss Alps and catapulted into the real housewives of the internet.

You audibly mouth the words, “Is this bitch talking about me?”

The thing is, if you have to ask yourself that question, they probably are.

Internet slappers THINK they’re being stealthy. The veil of the web may be as thin as rice paper, but it’s still a veil nonetheless, and they’re using it to their advantage.

Even if you outright ask the slapper, they’ll never admit it’s about you because they don’t have the balls. However, your suspicion has alerted them that they weren’t nearly as covert as they wanted to be.

Now they have to backpedal and make up a bullshit story on the spot about someone else. But the story has holes in it. You’re a super-sleuth, not an idiot.

The best course of action is to unfriend and block them immediately.

But you can never be too sure they’re completely gone so you’d be best to have a sniper on the rooftop take them out. That way you don’t have to sever the friendship in person.

But wait…

Here’s another idea. How about giving a sniper the day off and just go talk to your friend?

The ONLY way around a virtual slap is to grow up and be aboveboard. Most of us don’t understand code so to save yourself from being misinterpreted, just come out with it already.

And while you’re at it, please realize that opinions differ. If they didn’t the world would sure be a big, fat snoozer to live in.

Can you imagine if everyone’s favorite outfit was orange? Society would look like one big prison yard, so be thankful that your friends aren’t the same as you and celebrate your differences.

Make the internet a nicer place to hang out.

Think good thoughts. Say nice things. Do good for others.



Kristi Keller

Write like no one is reading, because it might be true. Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story.